The Hornet Experience

Everyone knows I'm afraid of bugs. I'm not ashamed of it. However, I'm not afraid of bees or hornets. I have a healthy respect for things that can hurt me but at least I know what they can do...unlike the evil spiders who I know are plotting against me.

So, the other day I'm sitting on my couch watching TV when I hear a loud buzzing coming from my entryway. I think a house fly has gotten in I'm worried I’m going to have to listen to the thing buzz for days before it finally croaks.

Then the biggest hornet I've ever seen comes into my living room. It must have been 1.5 inches long. I can see it wiggling its legs in what might be a mating call. After I finish marveling at the size of my new house guest, I decide to kill it. So I get a strip of heavy cardboard for a fly swatter. My plan is to swat the hornet to the floor and then beat it to death. It's a good plan. I warily stalk the hornet around my living room until he gets low enough to swat. Finally he comes low enough and I swing my "flyswatter" with all my might.

But this is Super Hornet and the blow doesn't even stun him. It does, however, piss him off royally and he starts dive bombing me. You don't realize how small a place is until your trapped inside it with an angry hornet.

I begin evasive maneuvers while shouting "I'm sorry!" over and over. He calms down in my kitchen and I retreat, too afraid to try my plan again. But now I have a bigger problem. It's nearly 5:00 and I'm starving. But the hornet has commandeered my kitchen. How can I cook with him attacking me and possibly taking a dive into my cooking supper? I go into the kitchen and try to "wave" him into the living room. This just makes him want to buzz around me and I begin evasive maneuvers again. I flee to the living room where I contemplate just giving him the kitchen.

The hornet is really starting to freak me out. I'm beginning to think I'm never going to get rid of him. In a moment of desperation I leave a voice mail for Colin to come over as soon as he's done his turkey dinner at his friends. At this point the hornet returns to the living room and I stay low and zip into the kitchen. I start frantically making supper in case the hornet decides to return. I keep the lids on everything so he can’t get in my food, although the loss of the food sounds like an even trade off if I can get rid of my rude house guest.

I try keeping one eye on the doorway so I can see him if he comes back in. The problem with my kitchen’s layout is that to work at the stove and counter, I have to have my back to the door. This makes me increasingly paranoid and that’s saying something. As I was chopping stuff up I had the weirdest feeling I was being watched (plus I could hear the Jaws theme in my head)…I whirl around and THERE IS THE FREAKING HORNET DIRECTLY BEHIND ME HOVERING AT EYE LEVEL!!!!!

I scream and dive for the floor. The hornet starts dive bombing me again. I run for the living room, giving him the kitchen once more. Eventually he comes back to the living room and I make a run for the kitchen again.

He seems content to stay in the living room and so for the first time ever, I eat in the kitchen. I go to get my second helping but the hornet comes back in and I run for the safety of my computer room and close the door. I refuse to leave. It’s not worth the pain and suffering.
I hide in my computer room until I hear my cell phone ring in the living room. I crack the door open and creep out into the hallway. I grab my phone from the table in the living room and turn to run back to the computer room and what do I find behind me? THE FREAKING HORNET! He was lying in wait outside my door waiting for me to come out.

I turn and run back to the living room and into the entry way. At the same time I’ve answered my phone and am begging Colin to come and get the hornet. I can hear the hornet buzzing around in my living room but I’m staying near the front door. I will run out into the street if I have to. Colin comes after an eternity and even he is shocked by the size of this sucker, “I can see the hair on its legs!” (He says this with awe in his voice. Why are boys fascinated by insects?)

Colin tries my swatting plan again but with better results. He waited until the hornet landed on something before swatting it and then jumping up and down on it. He’s laughing at me because I’m shaking and hiding behind him. He didn’t know the terror I felt at being stalked in my own home. It was like a horror movie and I felt like one of those girls in a slasher movie. Except I avoided getting killed/maimed/stung and I kept my pride because I refused to run from my home. Granted I had to get a man to come save me but….he’s a menion! It’s his duty to protect me! Am I right?